We dated for three years.  It was a true fairy tale, a Cinderella story.  He was my knight in shining armor.   I never knew anyone could love me like he did.  He was so easy to talk to.  He listened.  He remembered.  He showered me with attention and love.  He brought me gifts… hand-picked flowers, candies, jewelry.  He wrote me poems and letters.  Everyday was something.  There wasn’t a minute in the day I wasn’t sure he was thinking about me.  He would tell me how he never had a relationship with anyone as good as ours.  We were soulmates. I understood him like no one else could.  We would have deep conversations.  I’d tell him all my hopes and dreams as well as my fears.  I told him everything that was deep in my soul.    He consumed my thoughts, my heart, and my time.

He swept me away for a wonderful, romantic weekend on our one-year dating anniversary where he pledged his undying love for me and asked me to marry him.  It all happened so fast.  I was only 21 at the time, but I had no hesitation in telling him yes.  How could my life get any better than this?  This perfect moment.  This perfect man.  This future so bright and promising.

How exciting to be planning the wedding of my dreams.  Something every girl dreams about.  The day arrived and I had the perfect dress, the ceremony, the celebration of our union witnessed by family and friends.  It was a perfect day.  Or was it?…..

I’ll never forget how he treated me on our wedding day, the harsh words he spoke to me.  Where was this coming from?  He had never spoken to me this way before.  This was the first day of many I would see who he truly was.

The first 6 months of our marriage was turmoil.   I was hurt and confused most of the time.  What happened?  Who was this person?  Why is he so aggressive and mean?  How did I not see this?  Is this who he truly is?  Did I make a mistake?  I would go over to my sister’s house and cry.  I was lost.  Trying to figure it out.  But the answers never came.  Instead, there were good times and bad, making it even more confusing.  What was happening?   One day I was treated like a queen, attention and gifts thrown my way.  The next, yelled at, told I was crazy, making things up when I would question him.  I was the one who was to blame.  I was angry all the time.  I was never happy.  Nothing was ever enough.  I was making something out of nothing.   He’d slice through me with his words, harsh, cruel, damaging.  I wouldn’t see it coming.  Then bleeding out, he would turn in a minute to look at me and ask why I was so upset, like nothing had ever happened.  He would sweep it under the rug, I would still be devastated and upset.  How could he pretend like nothing just happened?

As the years went by, it was a constant cycle of abuse, breaking me down bit by bit.  Carving away at everything I was.  Sucking the life out of me until I couldn’t breathe.  Questioning my own sanity and reality.  What was real?  Was anything real?  Each repeated blow changed who I believed I was…. A broken mess, responsible for everything bad, never happy, always causing problems and CRAZY!  I had lost me.  There was nothing left.  Except once in a while, something in me would ignite and I would fight, ready to leave this nightmare.  Something in me knew what was happening wasn’t right.  It was then the abuse cycle would shift, and again, he would treat me well.  Promise me the world.  Pledge again his undying love, apologize and tell me how he could never live without me.  I was the only one for him, the only one who understood him.  He would shower be again with expensive gifts, travels and the attention I was starving for.  I would think he must love me if he is spending so much money on me, or his time that he cherished so much.  My heart would want to believe him.  This time it will be different.  This time he gets it.  But it would always end the same.  Within a few days, after everything settled down and he knew I was hooked, the abuse would return.  Each cycle took another piece of me.  Eventually I was broken down so small I hardly existed anymore.  And that continued for 23 years until I finally walked away for good.